thanks for helping

While recovering from a mini-meltdown on tuesday morning, it occurred to me that I'm very fortunate for all the people who have & continue to help raise money. I've got so many obstacles to find a solution for and it would be extremely difficult for me to find solutions for the physical challenges if I had to hunt down every dollar by myself.

So, if you've made a donation, are helping with an event, passed along my emails, called your friends, or in some other way helped me.... thanks. It means the world to me.

And the meltdown? It revolved around the unfairness of being a quad. The challenges you see, the wheelchair, the legs that don't work, the hands that don't work.... these are just the tip of the iceberg. These can be accommodated through equipment, through adaptions. true, these things cost money, which is where CAF can step in, but some issues are just harder to accommodate.

Like not sweating. Even indoors I need a fan & sometimes a spray bottle/sponge to stay cool. In anticipation of being on the road soon, I knew I needed to figure out how to stay cool. Yes, the low blood pressure sucks, yes the low max hr sucks, but these things will not kill me. Overheating can kill me.

So I broke down and bought a cooling vest last friday. I checked to see if I could return it if it didn't work... If I wore it the answer was no since it is clothing. how am I supposed to know if it works unless I wear it? She was very nice & was confident it would work. She even sent me an extra pair of cooling packs so I could have enough to rotate through a 6 hr ride, no problem.

But it didn't work. Tuesday morning I got up & worked out before work... Actually, since I'm normally at work & working at6:30, its more like I worked out 6:30-7:30 & then started work @ 8am. Can I tell you how much I hate working out first thing in the morning? My blood pressure is lowest & most unstable in the morning.

And so tuesday, I hopped on my bike w/my vest on & my fan off. And promptly 30 min into the ride I got off the bike to turn the fan on. Sigh.. that vest was $250... I'm hoping it'll work when I'm moving & creating my own breeze... but I'm not holding my breath.

Besides being upset over wasting the money... $250 is not trivial on a post-doc salary... I was frustrated about the prospects of getting outside.. how am I supposed to train outside if I can't stay cool? I can't... The meltdown was over that... There were tears.... but only cause no-one else was there that early... Once I threw my 5 minute tantrum, it occurred to me that 1) everyone who helps me frees up my time to fin solutions to these problems and 2) I'm just going to have to ride some before dawn or at dusk/night. Not my favorite idea, but doable.

It the end, when ever I run into another wall, I'm forced to ask myself how bad do I want this? Do I want it bad enough to rearrange my schedule so I can get road rides in? Yah, I do. every time I run into an obstacle, I ask how bad do I want this.. If I want it enough, I'll make a way, I'll find a solution.