good & bad & in betwwen

It has been an interesting week... full of high points & a few very low points.

Last weekend's ride wasn't nearly as bad physically as I thought it might be. However, it was very tough mentally. I hit a mental wall in regards to my training, definitely a little burnt out.

Burnt out in regards to being on the rollers, being stuck inside. Physically i'm in great shape. Mentally I'm tired of the rollers.. I LOVE being outside. I take my car out for a drive just so I can be outside when it is too hot for me to be active outside.

And I've spent every weekend this summer inside.

on rollers.

by myself.

And I spend every day at work

inside.


All I've done this summer is stay inside

to work,

to train,

to raise money,

to write blog posts,

to do my chores,

to sleep,

to grocery shop...


All of it inside...

If you wanted to torture me... you'd put me indoors...& keep me indoors..

I'm tired of being indoors.

I'm tired of training alone.

I don't know which is more difficult, spending all that time alone or spending it all indoors. Training would be much easier if there was a fun group to meet every weekend. It makes a huge difference when you can share the lows and highs, when there is someone to help you through the lows, when you are ready to quit.

Saturday & sunday I was ready to quit. I hated every minute of those rides. I wanted so bad to blow them off, to go outside... I mean, CAF gets the money regardless if I do the ride... I had arguments with myself about how I didn't have to do this, how I didn't have to be on the bike, how this was a choice..How I didn't even know if all this effort will pay out? I mean seriously, how do you train effectively by yourself for lots of hills on rollers.. how can you do it? how does it work? what happens when I get there if it didn't work?

For those of you reading could you train for this ride without having any way of knowing if your training would be sufficient? Without having any way of knowing until the day you started the ride if you'd be able to pull it off?

I can say I stayed on the bike. I did my three hour ride saturday & my 40 miler sunday. And I decided that it didn't matter what would happen come october cause i'm going to have a good time and enjoy myself....

And really, we never are promised another day... so every day can be a good day.... every day should be a good day...

And today? today was an excellent day. I've reflected on how far I've come in 13 years... all the small victories that you can't even imagine... all the things I didn't even know were possible in those first few months after my injury... how I'm still defining and still learning what is possible..

my most recent victory? something very simple... this spring I figured out how to pull my hair into a ponytail all by myself.... not easy with quad hands.. but it means the world to me that I can do it..

only a few more weeks till the ride... and when i get back?? I'm spending all weekend outside.... on my bike... where its flat!